I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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