I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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