is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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