im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
