She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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