even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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