What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
