By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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