dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
