girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
