i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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