I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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