What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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