I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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