he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
