What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
