I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize