I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish I only lived at night.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you had me at cake vodka
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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