we have pet lesbian snakes
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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