why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
