You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
