dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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