On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
