there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
