i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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