I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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