you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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