She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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