While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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