Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
