i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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