he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
