man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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