Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
