I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
