Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
