sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
