She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
