how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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