yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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