someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
