Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
