My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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