I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
