Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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