Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
