420 ftw
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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