just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
