Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
