I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
