Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
