I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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