That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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