Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
