it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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