Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(