and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So much rum. So many feels.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped