Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish you could order shots online.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
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My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.