he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day